Plenty of Fail: When online dating goes horribly wrong...

I've been told I tend to get a little too wordy on these things, so I'll cut it down to basics and just explain what I'm about to do here, as it's particularly heartless. Online dating: it's 2009. We've all done it by now, and those of us who haven't are just biding time until we're old and eating out of cans of Hormel and then using the empty cans as decorative candle holders. (As an aside, I'm super sick right now [H1Nwhut!] and all I've been doing to pass the time is lighting candles and taking hot showers. Thank God I have blogging to balance it out or between the steam and the smoke I'd die of oxygen deprivation.) Online dating is a double-edged sword; as much as all of the usual pitfalls apply, I have met some perfectly delightful people and gone on some lovely dates and made some very good friends. The flipside of that is, well, the focus of this series. I call it "Plenty of Fail," because some people just can't quite figure the whole "online dating" thing out.

Our first article will focus on a young gentleman from Coquitlam, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent and because I don't like embarrassing people, not really. More to the point, I'm afraid that someone I know will be friends with this dude, and I'm much more comfortable mocking people behind their backs than to their faces. So, for the sake of this entry, we will call him "Cinderella" for reasons that will become apparent upon reading his profile, which I will now post, in its unedited entirety:

My name's Cinderella. For those who take the time to actually read this, thank you. I appreciate it. Yes, I am gay. I met this guy, my ex, most amazing person I've ever met in my life. I felt on top of the world when I was with him and everything seemed perfect. We no longer are together due to his selfishness, therefore I am single. I don't want guys to come on my profile and say, "Wow, you're hot." or anything like that. It's way too over-played, and frankly...not a turn on. Yes, I know I'm good looking, we all are in different ways. I want a guy to message me and say, "Wow, you're beautiful. Do you mind getting to know one another." Now that right there folks is charming and genuine. I really want to find a guy that's going to make me feel special. Someone who treats me like gold, and not neccessarily made of it. I don't want them to judge me or try and change me for "better" or "worse" because if you really like me, you'll like me for who I am and what I bring to the table. I will say that I am a caring, loving guy who just wants to meet his prince charming and hopefully sweep me off my feet. Clearly easier said than done, yet I hope it's pretty d*mn close. I don't want someone who's fake or unfaithful because I'm aware of all you promiscuous disgusting gays out there. Honesty is probably the number one factor that makes or breaks a relationship. Personally, I'd like for my man to be able to tell me what's bothering him or what he's done wrong, etc. and vise versa. Cheating is the number one thing I can not tolerate. I hate them and all they stand for. I've been cheated on in the past, and it's not pleasant. I guess I can just sum this up by saying I want an old fashioned guy in a modern form. If this sounds like you, or close, please don't hesitate to message me. I'm always up for discussion.

Other factors that may influence your opinion of the gentleman in question include his penchant for making kissy-face in every photo, but that's a matter of personal preference. He also chose to list only one interest, "movies." Oh my God! Me too! Soulmates!!! (As an aside, the only thing more vapid than listing something as generic as "movies" as your only interest is choosing "music." You know who else likes music? Everyone.)

In order to break down exactly why this is so awful with maximum efficiency, and because I have an English Lit essay due shortly and I might as well focus on structure, I will post his argument point-by-point and then expand upon those points.

1) My name is Cinderella.

So far, so good!

2) The very first thing I will bring up is my ex-boyfriend, and how happy we were together. I will then end with a bitter rejoinder, to show that I am Not Over It.

Here's where we hit a bump in the road. There are two impressions you decidedly do not want to make in your online dating profile: that you're still hung up on another guy, and that you're a bitter Betty. When I'm browsing these profiles, I often ask myself: a) do I want to be in perpetual competition with that guy from the candlelit shrine in his bedroom, and b) am I attached enough to my pets that I'll mind if he kills them after we break up?

3) I am very attractive and hear about it so frequently that I am tired of the sentiment.

On the one hand, you know, I can obviously relate. On the other hand, having seen this guy's pictures (which I will not share with you, ostensibly out of respect but in actuality to save myself the inevitable awkward confrontation), I will say this: he's not unattractive. It's hard to tell because all of the photos are overexposed, or dark and grainy, or he's making that fucking kissy face. From what I can tell, he's attractive in that 19-looking-25 ways that certain gay guys who smoke too much, tan too much, and do too much shit to their eyebrows are. The best example I can think of is about six months ago when I was in a Moxie's and I made the remark to a friend that one of the staff (a mutual acquaintance) exemplified the Moxie's policy of hiring mutton-dressed-as-lamb 30-year-olds, only to be informed that the server in question was 17. Whoops. (In my defense, this is the same server who, after being told that I was Hispanic, said "oh, you mean like Italy?")

4) I find it genuine and charming when someone expresses awe at my beauty.

Absolutely. Because when someone I barely know tells me that I'm beautiful immediately after meeting me, you know what I think? "What a genuine person. And so astute, to judge my beauty so quickly. This is not a ploy to get into my pants at all." Fast fact: anyone who calls you beautiful on the first date, let alone the first sentence, is full of shit. Sex excluded because we all say dumb shit during sex. Another exception is if you're dating James Blunt, in which case I just kind of feel sorry for you because I can only imagine how tedious that must be.

5) I need to be 'swept off my feet' because I subscribe to an outdated Disney model of romance whereby our eyes must meet across a crowded room.

I hate this, and I hate the sheer amount of people who cling to it as the ideal. It's so pervasive and I honestly find this "Prince Charming" complex so boring. Who wants Prince Charming? There's no passion there. It also excludes any conventional means of meeting a mate: bars, clubs, parties, mutual interests... online dating sites... All it really leaves is junior proms, and simulated junior proms. And, newsflash, we are in a recession, and it is very expensive to rent out a gym, hire 400 extras, make a balloon arch and then put the extra balloons in the basketball hoops. The whole sentiment in general is very high school, and not like... actual high school. Like teen sitcom high school. Bad news, motherfucker: the WB shut down in 2006. All that's left is the CW, and all of those kids are 35 and addicted to heroin.

6) I am a 'caring, loving guy.' I feel that using the phrase 'all you promiscuous disgusting gays' underscores this point nicely.

If I had to use one phrase to describe the tone of 95% of male-male online singles ads, I would use "inexplicably hostile and defensive." There's such a bizarre need to differentiate oneself from the bad gays, and this manifests itself in a variety of different phrases. Classic examples include:

• "I'm a masculine guy looking for the same; not into femme guys at all (no offense)"
• "Not into the scene; if you want to spend all night at a club, then stop reading here."
• "Looking for a low-drama guy"
• "I'm gay loud and proud and if you can't deal with that then MOVE ON SISTER."
• "Not into fucking every guy I meet (unlike most of the gay community, it seems...)"
• "Tired of the gay guys I meet; looking for someone more normal..."

These sentences are meant to appeal to people with the same gripes. In effect, they say, "message me, so we can bond on how much more awesome we are than (x group)! We are such good people!" Point being: chill the fuck out. Instead of talking about what you're not, tell me what you are! Unless you're Cinderella here, because the answer to that seems to be "bitter and clingy."

7) I will go out of my way to rant about infidelity like a scorned lover on Cheaters proving that I am, once again, Not Over It.

The best part of it is that this is totally unnecessary and just makes you look crazy. No one in the world goes onto a dating site thinking "I want to hook up with someone who thinks cheating is good." All this really does is weed out the polyamorists, who probably checked out somewhere around "Prince Charming" anyhow. Oh, sorry, not true: it also appeals to other crazy people with axes to grind against cheaters, and lands you in a relationship where both of you are crazy jealous and end up in a one-room with no furniture and both of your backs against the walls because neither of you will let the other out of his site. And good luck with that fucking tinderbox.

8) I will use the phrase "old fashioned guy in modern form" as my euphemism for "please do not have flaws. Any flaws. At all."

Because the second Cindy here realises that you talk too loud in the theatre or you voted Liberal or you don't cuddle after fucking or you get grumpy when you drink, your ass better sleep with one eye open, because there's gon' be some Lorena Bobbitt shit going down.

9) Feel free to message me, or rather, my baggage, as that is what I have chosen to present here rather than myself. The End.

I feel like this point speaks for itself.

So what did Cinderella do right? Well, that first part, the one about "my name is Cinderella." He fucking nailed that one. Beyond that, the biggest flaw here is the impossibly high standards. He's clearly looking for someone to replicate the feelings that his first love aroused in him, which... seems unlikely. By that token, he basically needs someone to be his Prince Charming and sweep him off his feet, which... you know, let's discuss that. It's not 1955 and you are not Lorraine McFly. Stop waiting for motherfuckers to sweep your off your feet. If your dating agenda consists of "you will bust your ass to make me swoon and I will sit here and be swooned, possibly with some sort of umbrella drink and someone fanning me with a frond," it is time to reevaluate your dating schema. It takes two to tango, and just like you want to be swooned, other people want to swoon, too.

In the meantime, stay safe. It's a big scary place online, and I wouldn't want anyone as beautiful as you to get hurt. No, really. You're the most beautiful person here tonight, babe. I mean it. Honest.