Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains: The Heroes

As you know by now, and if you don't look at the ~epic~ cast shot above, the 20th iteration of Survivor is Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. As someone who has passionate and passionately nerdy opinions on the subject and has never missed an episode even though it's ten years later and not cool anymore (*cough*), I thought I'd spill my thoughts on the cast for you, starting with the Heroes tribe (and just to acknowledge it: yes, there are spoilers, and yes, I have seen them, and no, they won't be reflected here):

(l-r: Amanda Kimmel and Candice Woodcock)

Amanda Kimmel

Survivor: China and Survivor: Micronesia

What better place to start than Survivor's resident unphotogenic drag queen? Amanda is best known for being a quiet but skilled player with absolutely no followthrough. Amanda regularly makes it to the final Tribal Council of her season and then goes down like a moth in a candle when asked to defend her game to a jury, at which point she backpedals, apologizes, and maybe cries a little if it's a really good season. She's subjected us in equal parts to things brilliant (her blindsides of James in China and Alexis in Micronesia), disastrous (her ill-fated showmance with Ozzy in Micronesia), and confusing yet titillating (her blurred ass throughout the entirety of China). Amanda is the perfect example of someone who plays a technically good game but is not super entertaining and is maybe a touch overrated. Still, as far as looking good in a bikini, she's golden. Plus she's like 40 feet tall. It's crazy. Her legs weigh more than I do.

Candice Woodcock

Survivor: Cook Islands

I, like everyone else who watched Survivor's ~highly controversial~ racially-divided season, immediately call bullshit on this one. Sure, you can go to the EW website and watch Probst flail around to justify why she's on the Heroes tribe, and sure, she seems like an absolutely lovely person in real life, and sure, everyone from her original cast has nothing but glowing things to say about her. But Candice's storyline was basically that she turned on her ~beautiful racial cornucopia~ tribe (Aitu) because she wanted to rejoin her original alliance of young, pretty white people, consequently outnumbering Aitu 8-4. Aitu -- through subsequent domination of challenges, crafty play of the then vastly-overpowered hidden immunity idol by eventual winner Yul, and a couple of dubious twists -- then went on to dominate the game and America's hearts. More specifically, they relished in sending Candice to Exile Island every single week, and let me tell you: it was hilarious every time. She had to eat a sea cucumber raw. That's comedy gold. Through it all, Candice was equal parts whiny, entitled, and predisposed to racially homogeneous alliances of white people. In conclusion, Candice is on the Heroes tribe because casting director Lynne Spillman likes her. That having been said, when she wasn't crippled by her own very public disloyalty, Candice proved that she was at least a somewhat shrewd game player. She's not a hero by any stretch of the imagination, but it'll be fun to see what she brings to the table.

(l-r: Cirie Fields and Colby Donaldson)

Cirie Fields

Survivor: Panama and Survivor: Micronesia

This is where shit gets real. A holdover from the vastly underrated Panama season (which I am currently rewatching and enjoying the fuck out of, TYVM), Cirie took the idea of a "social game" -- a game whereby you rely not on outright deception, but rather on charm and likeability to manipulate others -- and finessed it to its absolute apex. Cirie is both incredibly pleasant and charming, and one of the most ruthless and cutthroat players to ever play the game, and she does it all while seeming to genuinely enjoy the game in all of its aspects. Both a delight to watch and a terror to play against, and with the single best overall record of any of the two-time players (4th in her original season and 3rd in Micronesia), Cirie is in my opinion the single best player to ever play the game of Survivor. She is notable for ambitious, incredibly complicated game moves that she somehow pulls off, including single-handedly organizing a three-way vote split in Panama (3 votes for Courtney, 2 for Aras, 1 for Danielle) and conning Erik into giving up his immunity necklace and then immediately voting him off in Micronesia. The only problem with Cirie's game is that it relies heavily on people underestimating her, and after two seasons, players have begun to catch onto what a threat she is, as evidenced by the pre-show cast interviews. Cirie will need to work her charm as hard as possible to avoid detection in her third outing.

Colby Donaldson

Survivor: The Australian Outback and Survivor: All-Stars

The first of the tragically sparse pre-All-Stars crew is Colby, and let's just put it out there: time has not been good to the Colbster. He'll be lucky if Probst even calls him back after they have sex this time around. I've never really been on the Colby love train, if only because he strikes me as a little sanctimonious, but I can't deny his contribution to Survivor lore. He dominated Outback as the first real challenge monster the show's ever seen (a position since filled by the likes of Palau's Tom Westman and Cook Islands's Ozzy Lusth, and never filled, despite what Probst seems to want you to think, by China's James Clement), and his pseudo-incestuous visit from his mother was an inspiration to us all. Plus, the return of Colby signals the return of the bizarre Colby-Jerri dynamic, which is always fun to watch. Those two kids will never live each other down, and are one of two pairs of threepeat players (along with Amanda and James) to play every single one of their seasons together. Unlike Amanda and James, however, these two still seem to actively loathe one another ten years later. And yet they can't escape each other. That... has gotta suck. Look forward to Probst calling Colby by his last name, and then sneaking behind a set piece to masturbate furiously.

(l-r: J.T. Thomas, Jr. and James Clement)

J.T. Thomas, Jr.

Survivor: Tocantins

The first of a whopping three Tocantins players (a heaping helping from such a milquetoast season), J.T. is most notable for ruining the entire game completely through no fault of his own. You see, J.T. is just so likeable and trustable and so gosh-darn Southern that he apparently charmed the entire cast into laying down in order to watch him win a million dollars. Literally -- I can remember four players (Brendan, Sierra, "Coach" and Debbie) who explicitly said that they didn't mind losing as long as J.T. won. I don't know if it was intentional on his part or just his personality, but it's a hell of a trick if you can make it work once, let alone twice. Unfortunately, the long road to J.T.'s inevitable victory doesn't make for a very interesting season, but why the hell should he care if he's got the money to pad out his bank account? None of this is to say that J.T. is incapable of malice, though: he's a fierce challenge competitor, and put on a surprisingly ruthless final Tribal Council performance, throwing trusted ally Stephen to the wolves for moves they both made and waltzing to an easy 7-0 victory.

James Clement

Survivor: China and Survivor: Micronesia

I've always been a little rankled about James's popularity, because more so than any other Survivor castaway, it feels very artificial. Don't get me wrong; I totally buy that people love him and bored hausfraus cream when he takes off his shirt and people were willing to give him the Sprint You-Fucked-Up-But-Here's-$100,000-at-the-Reunion-Show Prize twice (!!!). But he doesn't seem to be a very good player (voted out holding two hidden immunity idols in China, a move acclaimed at the time as the dumbest in Survivor history), he doesn't seem to be a very nice person (repeated sexist/misogynistic slags against Courtney in China), and he's incredibly sanctimonious, frequently talking down to women about their bad strategy (Peih-Gee and Parvati, both of whom outlasted him in their respective games and the latter of whom won the entire season). And as much as Probst wants to make him out to be some sort of challenge god, and on paper he should be, he seems to be actively mediocre at 90% of challenges. Courtney has a better individual challenge record than he does, and she came into her original season weighing 93 pounds. All that said, I can't imagine him contributing much to the show this go-round, nor did he in Micronesia, but if the theme of your season is "people beloved by the masses," I guess he makes as much sense as anyone else. All things considered, I'd put Ozzy in his place, and I'm not even a fan.

(l-r: Rupert Boneham and Stephenie LaGrossa)

Rupert Boneham

Survivor: Pearl Islands and Survivor: All-Stars

While we're on the subject of people much beloved by the masses, they don't get more beloved than original Survivor superstar Rupert, who received a million dollar love letter from his fans at the ludicrous America's Tribal Council event at the end of All-Stars, which disgusted me at the time but after enduring an entire season of Russell's desperate camwhoring I'm practically salivating at the prospect of more Rupert. Hell, let's give him another free million while we're here. Time has softened my perspective on Rupert, and I've come to appreciate him more as a character, if not necessarily a hero. He was larger than life in Pearl Islands, made into an iconic figure by both the cast and the show's editors: incredibly utile in a survival situation and a provider for his tribe in a way that hasn't been matched in recent memory. At the same time, he was also self-absorbed, petulant, and incredibly entitled, and watching his fall at the hands of his former allies was not only delicious but set up the Pearl Islands endgame as the most enjoyable series of episodes in Survivor history. In his return to All-Stars, we saw a more toned down, subdued Rupert, and one whom I enjoyed considerably more, if only for the hilarious two-episode subplot where he went crazy and built the underground shelter that flooded and almost killed his tribe, and drove Jerri nearly to suicide. Vastly, vastly underrated moment in Survivor history. At the end of the day, he's not Russell, and it's been five years, so I'm finally happy to see Rupert again. I reserve the right to take those words back at will.

Stephenie LaGrossa

Survivor: Palau and Survivor: Guatemala

Ah, LaGrossa: where Survivor and Jersey Shore meet and do lunch. Stephenie is another one whom I've come to appreciate more over time. Her underdog story in Palau as the last member of a vanquished tribe was a compelling one and gave a show which traditionally shies away from depicting complex, strong, likeable females one of its first resonant female heroes (the only other example I can remember from before Palau of a strong, prominent, non-traditional woman we were blatantly supposed to like was Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien in Marquesas, who later made her descent into batshit craziness in All-Stars but who could have seen that one coming?). At the time, though, I remember being very over Stephenie, who, God bless her, was mostly trapped in the situation due to her own strategic incompetence and utter ineptitude in challenges. She was brought back the very next season in Guatemala, triggering the debut of a new Stephenie: a take-no-prisoners Stephenie who was the exact opposite of her Palau incarnation -- strategically dominant but utterly unlikeable, routinely chastising people as "gay" and "retarded" and greedily hording so much food she actually gained two pounds by the end of the show (which gave us a hilarious moment when Lydia pointed the fact out, and Stephenie yelled at her how untrue it was with food in her mouth). This Stephenie came in second but was unable to beat likeable Danni for the prize. Ask around, though, and most people remember Palau Steph instead of Guatemala Steph, so it makes sense that everyone's favourite overly-tanned guidette with circumflex eyebrows is on the Heroes team.

(l-r: "Sugar" Kiper and Tom Westman)

"Sugar" Kiper

Survivor: Gabon

"Sugar" is another one whose genuine heroicness is in question, as no one from her original season seems to be able to stand her. On the other hand, her season also has one of the least likeable casts of genuinely miserable people in recent Survivor memory, so that might have something to do with it. "Sugar" is notable for playing one of the more hilarious strategic games to actually work, which is that she felt very strongly that "good people" should win the game (don't get me started on the idea of "good people" in Survivor) and did everything she could to ensure that this happened. The problem with her strategy was that what she defined as the "good people" was prone to changing haphazardly, always accompanied by tears and often right before Tribal Council. Basically, "Sugar" played the game entirely emotionally, and somehow ruled with an iron fist while doing so. Not one of the best players in the game's history but certainly among the most aggressive, with glimmers of brilliance and malice sneaking through (her spiteful blindsides of Ace and Randy come to mind), and definitely among the more interesting psychologically: her time spent on the show coming to terms with the recent death of her father, along with her conviction that Bob, who reminded her of her father, should win the game, resulted in more than a few moments of wrenching vulnerability and viewer discomfort, and quite possibly helped Bob to victory. Also, she's apparently dating J.T. now? Not sure what the hell that's all about.

Tom Westman

Survivor: Palau

Tom Westman is the last of the heroes, and while I don't traditionally buy into the alpha male who dominates the game and wins all the challenges, even I must confess to being swooned by Tom Westman, who did all of this and won. He's not without his shady moments -- him and Katie teaming up to bully former friend and emotional basketcase Ian into effectively quitting the game on Day 39 is particularly low -- and I'd probably hate being on the same tribe as him because I'd feel talked-down-to all the damn time, but Tom is proof that sometimes you can be the provider, the challenge winner, and a cunning strategist -- and still win (which, believe it or not, used to be rare). Plus the fact that he's a silver fox who repped for the over-forty crowd rather than the typical cocky twenty-something alpha douche from L.A. who usually fills that role is just aces for me. The problem for Tom is that since this is his first time back, everyone will look back on his unblemished dominance in Palau, which places a huge target on his back. Tom will need to lock into a solid alliance quickly to avoid an early dismissal from a tribe stacked with muscle that doesn't really need his challenge prowess as much as Koror did -- though it has to be said, Ulong frequently lost challenges to combinations like Caryn/Gregg/Katie and Coby/Janu/Jenn. For reference, Caryn [bless her heart] was an ashen and bitter forty-something, Katie [bless her heart] was... a bigger girl, Janu [bless her heart] resembled nothing more than the lovechild of a scarecrow and a mop and spent every day in the hammock crying, and Jenn [bless her heart] unknowingly had cancer at the time. And Stephenie couldn't beat any of them. Perhaps the Heroes would be wise to keep Tom around for a while after all.

Thanks to Julian for the images used in this post.