Plenty of Fail: 28 Gays Later

Welcome back to Plenty of Fail, the series that chronicles the absolute dregs of online dating. Gay because I am, but we're looking to branch out (though all of the horror stories of American Apparel's financial portfolio have made us shy about large-scale expansion - this reference ensures that this blog entry, not unlike AA itself, is now topical but will quickly become furiously dated in mere months). In the last update, ages and ages ago, I swore that I'd finally leave Metro Vancouver dating profiles because I'm afraid of getting punched in the face. I'm a man of my word - today's jaunt takes us to beautiful Hamilton, ON, which isn't Toronto proper but close enough that I'm sure you could round up a Civic full of fake-tanned gays and make a trip out to The Barn on a Saturday night, as long as you go early and make a day of it because gas is expensive.

Our victim today, whom I'll simply call Hamilton because I'm creative like that, is a 26-year-old gay man who lists his ethnicity as 'European,' is interested in new age religion, and says he smokes often. He self-identifies as a 'zombie twink' which is handy vernacular for the gay zombie porn version of Mansfield Park I'm casting this coming October. I'm in talks with Jim Verraros to star as Fanny Price; look for it in a discount DVD bin near you. Hamilton's longest relationship was two years, presumably before the infection that set in and made him join the ranks of the living dead. I'm assuming he's a 28 Days Later kind of fast-moving zombie twink rather than a George Romero slow-moving reanimated corpse zombie twink, but if any scholars on the subject want to give me pointers on the matter, I'd be very appreciative.

Hamilton lists his occupation as 'Free-Lance Model.' I figured I'd set that aside as its own paragraph because in this struggling economy, is there anything more alluring than an out-of-work 26-year-old model? Yum. (I should add that in this instance, and based on the pictures in this profile, I have reason to believe that 'freelance model' means 'I set my webcam to high brightness and go on Stickam to flirt with teenagers.' I have no real evidence to back this up but I do remember being sixteen.)

In the past, I've posted profiles in large one-off pieces, but I think this time I will break it down into digestible chunks for you, my little guppies, not unlike the zombie twink slowly breaks apart its prey using specially secreted acids. Hamilton's text will be in bold blood red.

Hamilton says: I am looking for descent people to connect with on here as either friends(no sex) or to find a boyfriend (lots of sex)LOL.

I say: Really? Because I saw that movie and those monsters were horrifying, and I don't know about you, but taking a pickaxe through the leg and then getting eaten by weird cave-dwelling mole people isn't the kind of thing I would LOL about. I don't care how sad you are about the car accident that killed your husband and infant daughter. It's just not worth it.

Why, yes I did just tell an extended joke about a horror movie from 2005 that no one but me saw. What are you gonna do about it, accidentally stab me through the neck and leave to me to be eaten by cave people?

Hamilton says: When it comes to meeting new friends i am pretty easy going...but for romantic relationships, i have way more standards. I'm picky, lets just say that...better than being easy and clingy id say.

I say: Though strictly carnivorous, the zombie twink is a discerning consumer and partakes of only the choicest morsels. Let's find out what those standards are.

Hamilton says: Turn Ons: Twinks, Emos, Jocks, Sk8ers, socialites, intelligence, romance, deep conversations, long hair, and having a great butt always helps. LOL.

I say: Wait, socialites? He gets turned on by socialites? So like... "oh, yeah, give it to me, Barbara Hutton! You were a figure of considerable controversy during the '30s though popular opinion of you has since reversed! Cum on my face!"? What are we talking about here? Also, I love that more than anything else, he seems to be turned on by people who fit into neatly defined archetypes like emo, jock, and sk8er (with the 8 and everything! Avril would be reading proudly if she weren't already busy knocking a milkshake into some PREPZ's lap and laughing about it with her best buddy Shiloh). I also love that things like intelligence, romance and deep conversations are sort of thrown in as an afterthought. Yeah, yeah, deep conversation. But seriously, sk8ing is important for our relationship. LOL.

Hamilton says: Turn Offs: Stupidity, overweight, overly hairy, being naive, confusion, narrow minded, closet cases, weird fetishes.

I say: Yeah, narrow-minded people are awful. (Also, not to belabour the point, but the zombie twink has some crust calling out other people's weird fetishes, no?)

Hamilton says: I know a look a bit younger, these pictures are me. I am not a fake. I know i may look like your stereotypical Emo Twink but i am far more complex than that.

I say: Man, I don't know about you, but when my potential date calls themselves 'far more complex,' I pretty much punch out and call it a night. Like, that is the precise moment I start telling amusing lies about myself to make the date go by faster. Also, to address an online dating phenomenon I don't think we've gotten around to yet: the Photographic Time Machine. Photos of you from six years ago are still technically photos of you, which gives you all kind of wiggle room if you're one of those "technically, BUT..." people. Be wary: this guy is of the variety who is 26 posting pictures of himself when he was 22. In your head, add a few pock marks and divots and decide if you're still interested.

He's also apparently of the school who thinks that being accused of 'fakeness' is a terrible insult, which means he would fit in perfect on a reality show, asserting his realness. He would do particularly well on Big Brother UK where haters just can't deal with the fact that Corin is buzzin' and lovin' it all the time because that is how God made her.

OMGcanubelieveit10: do you luv it layk

Turn-ons: Boxers, unibrows, fake tan, lip gloss, eviction wig

Turn-offs: Australian accents, jumped up dickheads, angry fuckin' flyin' fish, the Pope

Hamilton says: My career choices are psychology/tattooing/piercings/modeling. I enjoy art a lot. Psychology was always my major and i am VERY good with understanding and empathizing with people. I have a good heart.

I say: I'm pretty sure you can't declare psychology your career if you're not, you know, a psychologist in some capacity. He is also very good at empathizing, unless you are fat, stupid, hairy or a closet case. He has a good heart which he stole, still beating, from a mother of three when the zombie twinks took over the Bang-On in the strip mall.

Hamilton says: Piercings: Navel, Lip Tattoos: tramp stamp, and back shoulders have small blue bat wings.

I say: Bad taste in body art isn't a crime, I guess. I do enjoy people who refer to their own tattoos as 'tramp stamps,' though, so bonus points for that. I wonder if the bat wings turn into actual wings when he's cornered or threatened.

That more or less wraps up Hamilton. What have we learned, then, about the elusive zombie twink? While it may seem like a simple creature, it is Far More Complex than it appears. It naturally selects smooth, hairless prey, presumably for ease of digestion. Its seemingly ornamental wings give it the capability of flight. At the top of the page, Hamilton lists a plethora of interests. Most disturbing among them:

•  'socializing,' which suggests the zombie twink hunts in packs;
•  'rock climbing,' which means it can traverse all manner of terrain; and
•  'swimming,' which seems to say that the zombie twink is capable of crossing water boundaries.

In conclusion, in the event of a zombie twink apocalypse, we're all fucked. May the most hairless socialite survive.